It’s amazing how sometimes a simple statement can hit you in such a way that it becomes profound…as if there’s some special secret shared between you and your consciousness…that happened to me today. While watching a video on zebras (don’t ask lol) I heard the narrator make a statement that moved me in such a way I simply felt that it would be selfish not to share…particularly with my single [ ie. non-married] sisters out there. The statement was this:
“Female cheetahs usually won’t have kittens unless a potential father can chase her for several DAYS in a long series of foot races.”
Now, I know you’re probably thinking “okay, this chick is nuts,” but allow me to explain. Take a moment to think about the last time you were courted. I know that’s laughable these days, but seriously…think about what happened the last time a guy really tried to express sincere interest in you. Now think about how you responded. It goes without saying that the times when a gentleman caller would come to your house, meet your parents, take you out on a nice date, bring you home and the highlight of the night was a kiss on the cheek, are far gone. Today, having sex on a first date, or shortly thereafter, is becoming an increasingly common experience. Now I’m not here to lecture you on whether or not sex is an acceptable practice outside of marriage. That’s between you and your maker; however, I will discuss a few brief examples of how, in my humble opinion, we can work towards having more fulfilling romantic relationships.
The advice I normally get as a woman is “You’re so awesome; he just sucks. You should leave him.” Rather than focusing on what “he’s” doing wrong, my advice to you [and myself] focuses on what we as women can do differently.
1.) Be interested in the one who wants to “chase” you.
Until recently, I’ve had a tendency to fall head over heels for guys who cared absolutely nothing about me. For a while it seemed that the worse a guy treated me, the harder I fell for him. I guess I figured if I just loved him hard enough, he’d eventually love me back. Interestingly enough there was always some amazing guy around whose constant attempts to show me how special I was went completely unnoticed. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” I said…”He’s just not my type”…”He’s too nice/young/tall/short/skinny/fat/etc…” You name it, I’ve probably said it. Sound familiar?
One day, one of my mother’s male friends gave me a bit of advice that took me years to understand. “Don’t like the guy you like; like the guy who likes you.” I thought he was some batty old man until I experienced the difference for myself. The thing is, you can be the most amazing woman in the world, but a guy knows what he wants…and if you think that he doesn’t know what he wants, or he’s afraid to commit, I’m sorry sis, but it’s probably just that he doesn’t truly want you. He may have fun with you or think you’re “cool people” but if he’s not showing you that he wants a future with you, it’s probably because he doesn’t see one with you. He’s likely just waiting around until someone better comes along. I know that is harsh, but it’s real.
If the female cheetah ignored the advances of the male that was trying to vie for her attention, and instead waited for that hunky cheetah that she thought was cute but wasn’t really into her, she’d wind up becoming a lonely old cat lady (sorry, had to! Lol). I don’t want that for any of us…so let’s make a vow to ourselves that rather than wasting time on guys who could live without us, we’ll start paying attention to the ones who don’t want to.
2.) Allow yourself to be “chased.”
“Equality” is a word that gets thrown around so cavalierly when dealing with male/female relationships. In fact, I’m reminded of an episode of Golden Girls when Blanche spoke on the topic with one of her dates. After saying he wanted to treat her like his equal she laughed heartily and replied “Your equal? I don’t want to be treated like your equal. I want to be treated much better than you.”
To me, this is the right attitude to have when approaching a relationship. Know your worth. Not saying that you shouldn’t treat the man well, but allow him to be a man and in doing so, treat you like a woman. Yes, you can open your own door. You can pump your own gas. You can open your own jars, pay your own bills and do a myriad of things that you don’t need a man for…but realize, when a man is seeking to do these things for you, he’s not trying to undermine your ability, he’s trying to compliment it. Consequently, you should also be very cautious of a man who’s not willing to do these things for you. A man who truly cares about you wants to make your life easier.
So many times we run men off with our “independent woman” machismo act. I know you may have told yourself that they’re just intimidated by your degrees, titles and ability to provide for yourself, but in all honesty and sincerity, if a man wanted to have a “pissing contest” at home, he’d date one of his boys. This isn’t to say that you should not be proud of your accomplishments, but in being proud of what you’ve already accomplished, don’t take away his opportunity to show you what he’s seeking to accomplish, with you. Men show their love by their actions. They’re hardwired to provide for you and when you take that away from them, they don’t understand the point of being with you. Once that happens, the relationship is over, even if it hasn’t yet begun.
3.) Don’t have “kittens” unless the potential father is willing to go the distance with you…
With 72% of African American children being born out of wedlock, this is probably the most important point I hope you take from this message. So many times a man shows us a little attention and we reward him with our bodies. A lot of men won’t even date a female that’s not sexually active, so if you’re going to be in Rome you have to do as the Romans do, right? You’ve got to be in the game to win it, don’t you? No. Having sex is not a game. The decision to have sex or not is a very personal decision and there are both spiritual and physical consequences tied to your decision. While it would be highly unrealistic to think that my message will stop you from having sex, I hope that it will at least make you more cautious of whom you allow to be a “potential father.”
I fought tooth and nail this week with someone who says that women are the reason there are so many children being born out-of-wedlock; that their decision to sleep around with “no good men” is why 68% of children are raised in a household without a father. I disagree. I think there are a number of factors that contribute to that statistic…All in all, he and I do agree on one point. As women, the consequences of sex typically affect us a lot harder than they do men. While sex may be a fun past time for two consenting adults, it’s vital that we protect ourselves. Remember that ANY time you lay with someone, you run the risk of contracting an STD or getting pregnant. The only "method" that's 100% safe is abstinence. Therefore, take a little advice from lady cheetah: Don’t have sex with a man who’s not willing to go the distance with you. The men who are willing to go the distance with you will respect you for your decision, and the one’s who don’t won’t stick around…..and let’s be honest, we’re better off without them anyway.
That’s it. I hope you don’t take this message as me thinking that I have all of the answers, because I absolutely do not. I do hope, however, that this message helps at least one woman. I hope it shows you the value that you have and it gives you the courage to demand that a man show you that he’s willing to go the distance with you. I hope that it leads to a successful relationship built on mutual respect and adoration…and I hope that it gives a woman in a relationship that isn’t for her the strength to stand up and realize that you deserve better, even if it means being single for a little while longer.
I don’t mean to assign blame or belittle nor do I mean to offend. I only wish to empower. I love you and I’m praying for you.
Your sister,
Sequoia
comment posted by Kenneisha Thompson on 07-09-2011
WOW!! I love this. It is so very true. Like you, I'd never heard that phrase about who to get involved with. Phyllis Cicero shared it with us at rehearsal one day. She said her aunt told her: "Don't go after the one you like. Go after the one that like you." Like you mentioned, wisdom from "Seasoned Saints" gets overlooked by us "youngins." But I must agree, living it makes all the difference! And I do love how God gives us examples of His wisdom in nature. Thank you for sharing a valuable lesson from the Lady Cheetah! I plan to do the same :)
~Blessings,
Kenneisha
Post a Comment
January 19, 2011
Updating my blog. New year, new me!
Happy New Year! Since it's a new year I decided I'd start afresh with my blog. My plan is to provide new, fresh content at least once a week. I decided to migrate my posts from my old blog [using a new system] for those of you who may be interested in reading them. Get ready world, cuz Quoia's got a brand new blog [cue music from Papa's Got a brand new bag ]!
I look forward to sharing my life with you!
With love,
Sequoia
January 19, 2011
Day 16: Someone that's not in your state/country
November 18, 2010
Today’s letter is to someone from another country, so I’ll write Kaid, a friend I met last Labor Day weekend when my mom and I took an impromptu trip to Canada.
Dear Kaid!!!
Hey my dear friend. Wow…it’s been over a year now since we met. Can’t believe that. I still don’t know whether to think you’re a God send or just nuts lol. Either way, thanks for giving two chicks on the greyhound some of your time. Sorry for seemingly falling off the face of the Earth. I have a lot more going on on my end now than when we first met, so managing my time has become more challenging lol.
I still remember the first time you sang for me. Your voice is AMAZING. Like my mom said, it truly sounded like a cd. I can’t wait until you’re discovered and everyone is able to hear your music.
Are you still moving to VA? I still think you should move to Austin. It’s more like Toronto than anywhere in VA that I can think of…plus I think you’ll have a better chance with your music. I’m sure you’ll enjoy either place though. I’ll be in the DC/MD/VA area for Christmas. If you’re out there we’ll have to catch up.
I hope all is well! Talk to you soon,
Seq
January 19, 2011
Day 15: The person you miss the most
November 17, 2010
Dear MJ (Yes, Michael Jackson),
It’s been more than a year and I still can’t believe you’re gone. I still remember the day you passed like it was yesterday. I woke up that morning and something honestly just didn’t feel right about that day. I didn’t know what it was; I figured I was just tripping. Early in the day we learned that Farrah Fawcet had passed away. No one could have imagined that just hours later you would be joining her in the afterlife.
I was devastated…You would have sworn my last name was Jackson they way I carried on…”I’ve never known a world in which there was no Michael Jackson.” Yes, I actually said that. Amazing how you can feel so close/connected to someone you’ve never met yet feel so distant from those you actually know.
I hate that I didn’t get an opportunity to meet you in person or see you perform live. Even still, you have made a great impact on my life. After watching “This is It” and seeing how dedicated you are to perfecting your art, it has inspired me to work towards my craft with the same fervor and tenacity. After all, how can I claim to love it and not make it the best it can be?
Although you died well before your time, I almost envy you because you were able to spend every day of 40/50 years doing exactly what you loved. Granted, you dealt with a lot of nonsense (some of which could have been avoided Mike, but I digress…) but very few people get to spend their whole lives doing what they love. I thank you for showing me what it means to put your all into your craft. I pray that I am able to remember your example every time I approach my craft.
Also, thank you for your dedication to community and humanity. It’s amazing how much people claim they’re all for the environment but when it comes down to it, they’re not. You actually showed your dedication, and I can appreciate that.
I could write you a thousand letters and probably never say all that I’d like to say, so I’ll just end with this….thanks so much for being you. Thanks for your music and thanks for the example you’ve shown.
Love always,
Sequoia
January 19, 2011
Day 14: Someone you've drifted away from
November 16, 2010
Dear Leader of the United Nations
First and foremost I have to say thank you so much for being there for me while I was unemployed. There were a handful of people I knew that I could count on no matter what and you made the list.
I can honestly say that I had some of the most fun times ever hanging out with you. We always tried new, fun things and you were always introducing me to something I’d never tried before…although with the exception of Ghengis grill, I can’t say any of them made it into the regular rotation lol. I think one of the most fun things we ever did was when we went and sat by the lake and people watched; that was classic. Then again, I dunno…playing at the park with P was pretty fun too…particularly chasing him around in my heels lol. He’s a really cool kid. I’m so proud of him for getting picked for the team. You’re going to have a little all-star on your hands
Thanks for working out with me! I was really starting to see some results…not so much now though lol. I just found out that there’s a MMA place by my house. I may check them out and see about signing up for a class.
Our drifting apart is entirely my fault…I still feel horrible about what happened, but just know that I’m really happy and although I’d probably change when/how I told you, I wouldn’t change my decision. He’s a great guy and I actually think you’d really like him.
No matter what, you will always be one of my dearest friends. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to pick up the phone and call me.
Sequoia is finishing up production for her film What Things May Come. The trailer for the film will be out soon.
She is also staying very busy with theater projects and has found a new hobby; radio. Sequoia recently premiered on the Street Speaker Radio Show with Eljay Da Comic, Dupah and Kemp, host of the blog Kempsaidwhat.com. The show is currently searching for a new co-host. If you'd like to "see" Sequoia in radio, contact Fishbowl radio and the Street Speaker Radio Show.
Stay tuned for more updates.
Want to book Sequoia for a gig?
For Booking:
Linda McAlister Talent
100 Oak Lane
Waxahachie, Texas 75167
(972) 938-2433
linda@lmtalent.com
www.lmtalent.com
What's Next for Sequoia?
Thank you for visiting! Please visit often to find the latest and greatest news on Sequoia.
Blog
]!
~Blessings,
Kenneisha